That's not a Calf, that's a Cow!

As my remaining readers know, Penny and I have been active at the gym with our trainer, young Wesley Crusher. Because we had just finished another 12 sessions with him, it was measurement day yesterday.

Now, I had made a significant drop in my body fat percentage and achieved some "inches" loss last time, so I was interested to see where we were this time around. As Wes warned us, we might actually lose inches, but we'd appear to be bigger because of better muscle definition, etc. So I was okay with that. I have no interest in achieving a bodybuilder-type look, but some better overall tone is certainly what I'm hoping for.

While the upper body still needs some work (although my biceps, shoulders and lats are coming along nicely) my legs are no problem. They get lots of work in hockey and they developed nicely in the Army, and when I was lifting weights regularly years ago.

Wes did all the measurements and then go to the calf. When I got started with all this, my calf muscles were at 16¾". After dropping the fat, they went down to 16¼". This is good!. Yesterday? After 12 more sessions?

Seventeen. Freakin. Inches.

Holy crap! That's bigger than my neck!(16½")

It brought to mind an observation from an old Army buddy of mine. We were out for morning PT one day in the late spring. It was nice & warm and shorts were definitely the order of the day. Wally was running behind me on this trek and when we were abck at the Armoury doing stretches and ab work afterwards he remarked, "Geezus, [Stone], those aren't calves...those
are COWS...they're f**king huge!"

So, there I am. Walking around with heifers below my knees.

Do with that what you will.

Open Letter Day

(To the previous owner of my House)

Dear Dipshit:

I'm honestly not sure whether I should be filled with pity for you, or filled with a desire to see you tied to a stake and stoned for general nincompoopery...probably the most critical mental coin toss in human history. But late yesterday afternoon, I was definitely looking for a suitable post hole digger.

To wit: I was removing and replacing a couple of the dreadful light fixtures you yourself had replaced (leaving lovely paint gaps, too) and I saw where you had some trouble with one of the mounting screws. You know...the ones which screw upwards into the utility box to, you know, HOLD the light in place? Yeah. That one. Wanna know how I know you had trouble?

Picture it. There I was. No shit. Standing on my mini scaffold bench. All set to install the new hanging fixture my bride liked so much. Could I hang it correctly? Nope. No chance. Your trouble spot? Staring me in the eyes, laddy-buck. That screw hole? Stripped. Not a thread remaining. Imagine how I looked as I managed to effortlessly push that #10 machine screw through the hole with noooooooooo effort whatsoever.

Kinda defeats the whole purpose, don't it? I mean, I can't hang a light fixure with one screw, can I? (although, judging from the previous light, you managed to....how it stayed up is a puzzle for household physicists everywhere.)

Anyway, Mr. Braintrust, in whatever home you own now, if you fuck up and strip the screwhole in a junction box, suck it up and replace it! Don't leave the next poor bastard to figure out how to do so on his own. Although, in your defence, I'm not sure how we could have removed that puppy without removing six square feet of drywall. (I will forward you a copy of my letter to subdivision homebuilders; subject: Consideration of replacability of basic outlets and junction boxes as installed by fuckwitted builders to save the asses of competent DIY-ers who discover your fuckups. Like, seriously, dudes...why did you screw it in from the TOP as well as from the sides?)

I recognize that you're the same mental pigmy who couldn't install drywall if your very life depended on it, not that *that* little hurdle seemed to slow you down, if the basement is any indication.

Anyway dude, seriously, don't try any renovations in the new place, ok? You're more a danger to yourself than others.

Cheers,

Mossy.

----------------------

(To Hampton Bay lighting, the designers of my new kitchen hanging light fixture)

Dear Cocksuckers:

I recently had the indescribable pleasure of installing your Model ****** 5-light hanging fixture in my kitchen. After coming up with an innovative solution to a stripped screw fitting I struggled to hang your light properly. You see, you provided this wonderful diagram of the components of the fixture, but you were a little skosh on the best way to install that bad boy. I mean, it's all well and good to tell us how the componends go together, but if one follows the instructions to the letter, one winds up with a brutally twisted mass of cables as the fixture threads onto the centre screw. This little glitch triggered much consternation in my bride, and no short of questioning of your collective parentage and brain power on my part.

I was going to give you some detailed instructions on how to sort out your diagram, but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't understand them. After all, its MAKES SENSE to do it my way. Besides, I'm not sure I can adequately detail the physical contortions required, nor can I articulate the marital care and handling instructions needed, because this little gem can put marriages in jeopardy (not ours, of course....we're well-hardened to these little frustrations, havign survived the installation of new laminate flooring, tile flooring, bedroom painting, storm doors, drywall installation, and wallpaper borders...all with nary a bad word.)

Anyway, folks. Get some REAL DIY-ers in there to try installing it from scratch and see what you can do about those instructions, k? Otherwise, you're gonna have some real goat-fucked lamps out there with YOUR name on them.

Lotsa love,

Mossy

RIP Brad Delp

Wow. As much as some people were stunned by the death of Steve Irwin, I'm floored by this one.

Brad, for those of you who might not know, was the lead singer of Boston. He had a clear, resilient tenor voice and had a lasting effect on 70's and 80's music.

No real details yet, but he was apparently home alone at the time. He was only 55.

Now I'm sad...

I don't care about indecision
I don't care if I get behind
People living in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind....

Incumbent Idiocy - a Language Rant

I freely admit that I'm not a master of the English language, but I do know errors when I see them. I got a big kick, for instance, from the book "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" which pointed out some egregious uses of language and punctuation, particularly by people who should really know better.

Penny and I have had all sorts of "WTF are they thinking?" exchanges when we see commas being used in the wrong places, and so on. Do NOT get me started on the shameful way in which the apostrophe is used as a mistaken pluralizer. However, there's one particular attempt at erudition which totally drives me bananas.

As some of you may know, I'm doing a relatively subtle job search at the moment. I'm not screamingly anxious to leave my current employer but I've got enough uncertainty about corporate direction that it seems prudent to hedge my bets. Needless to say I've been looking at a lot of job ads.

Now, let's have a nice big show of hands. How many of you have seen job ads where they say something like, "the incumbent will possess the following skills..."?

Let's see those hands?! Right? Most of you? Okay. That's what I thought.

One little problem with that little phrase:

It's WRONG.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

"You! Jones! You're the political whiz...so what does 'incumbent' mean? Stand up, boy!"

[Jones puts down his barely-disguised collection of nudie pics with Penny's face pasted over them, blushes, adjusts himself, and responds - squirming]

J: "Um, sir, I'd really rather not"

[nauseated] "Fine, Jones. I think it's probably better that you sit."

J: "Thank you, sir."

"Now, Jones. What does 'incumbent' mean?"

[Puppy-like excitement] "Oh, yes sir! Incumbent! Eye, Enn, See..."

"JONES!!!"

J: "Sir?"

"What does it mean?"

J: "Oh, yes sir. Sorry, sir. Incumbent. Yes. That's when someone is already in political office. For example, our incumbent governor of Massholeachussets is..."

"Yes, yes, yes, Jones. Enough with the showing off. You're correct. 'Incumbent', when referring to an individual, means the current holder of an office. Now go back to what you were doing and let me finish my story."

J: "Yes, Sir. Thank you, Mr. Stone, sir."

"Oh, and, Jones?"

J: "Sir?"

"Wash your hands before lunch"

J: [Blushing] "Yes, sir."

So, class, we know what incumbent is, but why, why, why, for the love of Biff, why do employers insist on using the word as a replacement for "the successful candidate" or "the incoming *position name*"? Do they not realize how stupid they look to someone who actually knows? Do they really, really, really think that we are so stupid that... [pause]

"Jones! Put your hand down. That was a rhetorical question!"

Anyway, I don't understand. I truly don't. I sometimes wonder why I would even bother applying to a place which uses such poor language, but you really wouldn't believe who uses it. Companies who whould know better, to be honest. Of course, I guess I can't really be picky, can I? My bigger dilemma is this: do I say anything to the companies? I mean, I don't want to get an immediate reputation as a smartass know-it-all in the interview phase. I'd prefer it to develop naturally after I'm hired!

Since it was really incumbent upon me (another acceptable use of the word, referring to a sense of duty) to point this misuse and abuse out to you, I urge you all to watch for such language crimes wherever you go.

"Jones!"

J: "Sir?!"

"You may come up and clean off the brushes while the rest of the class is at recess. You won't have to worry about being beaten up by the girls this time."

J: [relieved] "Thank you, sir!"

Persistence of Dubious Celebrity

I've never been someone enamoured by celebrity culture. Sure, every once
in a while its interesting to open an eyelid and see what folly takes
place, but its usually just a yawn at best.

Of course, there are a few little things that catch your eye...sorta like
a really ugly person wearing something far too revealing or a car crash.

I admire the Associated Press' decision to stop reporting anything about a
certain wayward hotel heiress. For once, I think the media clued in that
there was little value in following her every move and that the world did,
indeed continue without the endless check-in on her antics.

Then there's the circus around a certain late pneumatic blonde Bahama
Mama. In and of itself it was defintely an interesting study in humanity
and I'm sure there's years worth of fodder for the tabloids. Then there's
the madness surrounding the paternity of her toddler.

...which brings me to the latest outrageous media whoring comment from a
certain former football star and Bronco racer. He, too, waded into the
fray with a suggestion about his own likelihood for paternity of said
child...."if he did it", of course. Now, if anyone has seen pictures of
the mite, they know that the likelihood of this particular glove-wearing,
Cato-loving dingbat are exceedingly remote....right up there with the
chances of me being named Pope.

I wonder what an alien species would make of all this? Sometimes
journalism really aims for the lowest common denominator in smut and
attempts to titilate us with the latest escapades. With a few notable
exceptions, most of these so-called celebs have contributed sweet jack to
the betterment of society and have likely helped to contributre to the
wholesale raping of our better judgement in picking up some rag and
reading it. Fortunately, they are demonstrating some ecological
consideration by ensuring their antics get thrust at us via the Internet
which, of course, is made from 100% recycled post-consumer electrons.

However, my favourite celebrity will remain "Global Despot-in-training"
Kal Jones. Although, I think he's in grave danger of believing his own
propaganda. Don't believe me? Go check his latest campaign
bumpersticker.

[rant off...for now] ;-)

Book Meme

In the list of books below, bold the ones you’ve read, italicize the ones you want to read, cross out the ones you won’t touch with a ten-foot pole, put a cross (+) in front of the ones on your book shelf, and asterisk (*) the ones you’ve never heard of.

1. +The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee) Gr. 10 English. We read the book and watched the movie.
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L. M. Montgomery) It's been done to death up here.
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. *A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. +Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. +Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. +Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden) Saw the movie...close enough
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. +The Hobbit (Tolkien) More Gr. 10 English. And I've seen a stage play.
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J. D. Salinger) Gr. 13 English. A singularly depressing book.
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. *The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams) All 5 parts of the Trilogy, too.
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis) Read other parts of the series, but not this one.
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert) Too verbose for me. Neat movie, though.
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell) I read this in Gr. 11 in 1984!
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett) Loved this book. Absolutely loved it.
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. *The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. *The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. *The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. Bible - not ALL of it, but a lot of it (yeah, yeah, I know...but it's true).
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver) Got partway through it and gave up. I was hoping for more sex. ;-)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald) Gr. 13 English.
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence) - Grade 11 English. A singularly depressing book.
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough) I prefer her "Masters of Rome" series.
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. *The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview with the Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. +Fifth Business (Robertson Davis) Read it repeatedly but never bothered with the others in the "Deptford Trilogy"
66. *One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller) One serioulsy fucked up book
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery) - and I read it in french, even! Pure hell.
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. *Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. +Shogun (James Clavell) ...and Tai-Pan, and Gai-Jin, and Whirlwind...
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje) Too pretentious for me. I never even saw the movie.
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. *The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On the Voyage (Timothy Findley) I preferred "Famous Last Words"
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. +Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind) I've read most of this series (Sword of Truth) but it just became way too long and drawn out for me, so I gave up.
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams)
87. +Brave New World (Aldous Huxley) - Right after reading 1984
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. *Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S. E. Hinton) - Grade 8 or 9 English...I think 8
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. +The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)

This meme is free for anyone who wants it.

Shameless Academic Geekery

Greetings from the second floor of the Stone-Shagwell Manor, where I
currently sit, slaving away at the first assignment for my latest course.
(Okay, so if I'm blogging I'm not, like, totally slaving at it, but you
get the idea, right?)

Anyway, through the kind asupices of my favourite Trini, I am the
temporary keeper of a wireless router. The Manor House has been of the
wired variety of late simply because neither Her Ladyship nor myself
required the freedom of a wireless connection and I admitted to some grave
concerns about security, et al. Our existing router/firewall worked
nicely, so why change?

However, with school work on the go I want the freedom to be almost
anywhere in the house. Of course, I have that freedom with my laptop, but
if I'm sitting comfy somewhere with a paper in progress, I want to be able
to pull up a journal article and keep going. Under the old setup that
meant going to Penny's computer, digging up the article, transferring it
to my USB key and then taking it to wherever the laptop was. Not exactly
how I'd prefer to be spending my writing time.

However, the router is working quite nicely and I am sitting here on the
bed, away from most distractions and hacking away at this silly-ass paper.
Apparently I am not alone among my classmates in a lack of motivation or
interest in getting this one cranked out. Fortunately, its only 2000
words and requiring little research. Thank Biff for reflective
assignments.

I'm sure there's more I could babble about but I've been distracted enough
for the time being and this damn thing ain't gonna write itself. Enjoy
your day wherever you are and whatever/whomever you are doing.

BTW, has Larry fallen off the face of the planet? Did he meet a horrible
fate atthe hands of the Rocky Mountain Yeti while skiing??

Since everyone else is doing it...

A little Meme-ery for all of you who still read this blog.

Career Inventory Test Results Extroversion 56% Emotional Stability 60% Orderliness 53% Altruism 66% Inquisitiveness 56% You are a Persuader, possible professions include - entertainer, recruiter, artist, newscaster, writer/journalist, recreation director, librarian, facilitator, politician, psychologist, housing director, career counselor, sales trainer, travel agent, program designer, corporate/team trainer, child welfare worker, social worker (elderly services), interpreter/translator, occupational therapist, executive

Take Free Career Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Kal? You? Clergy? *snicker, snort, skoff*