Dialing to Distraction

I'm on the phone with The Hague.

"Oui, 'allo? Hello? International Court, 'ow may I h'assiste you?"

"Um yes...hello? I'm calling from Canada. "

"Ah oui, Canada. Does Canada need assistance?"

"Well, yes, but I'm not calling to arrange for a nation-wide do-over."

*pause* "To 'hoom do you wish to speak, sir?"

"Uh, well, I'd like to press charges against an unknown international criminal. Who should I speak to?"

"A criminal? Perhaps you should be speaking with INTERPOL, sir? I would 'appy to..."

"No, no...the crime is in evidence. I'd just like to arrange for prosecution."

"Prosecution, sir? Could you detail zee nature of the crime? It would be easier zen to, um, how you say, direct your call."

"The crimes are rather serious..."

"But, what crime is not, monsieur?"

"You have a point. Well. You see, its like this. This is a crime, of sorts, against humanity. It knows no borders. It targets many otherwise unsuspecting people. It's an epidemic!"

"Monsieur, perhaps you should be speaking with the World Health Organization?"

"I don't think so...I mean nobody is getting sick, or anything. But it is a definite crime. Surely someone can help me? "

"Oh, I am certain that we can, Monsieur. Please, tell me more about this crime. "

"Okay, I'll try. This small, but extremely persistent weapon has been put in the hands of criminals everywhere. People walk around in some places fully armed and ready. New kinds of ammunition are always freely available. "

"Zis is for real, non?"

"Yes! This is what I am telling you! There are some people who carry this weapon and don't even know that they are attacking others when the weapon goes off! Its even worse when more than one person has the same kind of ammunition. It's truly awful. "

"Please, go on..."

"I'm scared, you know."

"We understand and we wish to help, Monsieur."

"You're really my last hope. Even our own government officials and law enforcement are armed and they don't seem to care who gets hurt! I mean, even I admit I've armed myself, but I keep the safety on, you know? It's really bad...the ammunition goes off in restaurants, cars, buses, theaters....even schools! Think of the children!!!"

"Monsieur! Calm youself!"

"I can't! At this very moment, people are being assaulted!"

"But, Monsieur, you must detail ze nature of zis crime...."

"For the love of God! Don't you see! Its these damned downloadable Ring Tones! They're everywhere! Cell phones, pagers, even office phones now!! Ears are being abused! Silences shattered!!!"

"Ring tones? Monsieur, why didn't you say zhat in ze first place? You want the International Criminal Court. I will, 'ow you say...Hook you up?"

"Bless you...."

"No problem, Monsieur...thank you for calling. "