What do you call 1,000,000 consultants chained together at the bottom of Lake Ontario?

...an excellent start.

Here's an open letter to IT "process improvment" consultants anywhere:

Dear fuckwits:

If you're engaged by a client company, your mandate is NOT to tell us the stuff we already know. You are expected to help us find solutions to some of our challenges, and we expect (particularly after 4 months of engagement) that you actually understand our environment!You are also expected to show up on time for a meeting, especially if you are the meeting organizer. The client's staff bear no responsibility whatsoever for being highly pissed at your tardy arrival. You really are expected to follow your meeting agenda. The clients actually have stuff to do other than sit around a) waiting for you to show up, and b) meandering through a document that you apparently authored (even though you couldn't answer questions about it when asked.) If you have to schedule (yet) another meeting because of this lack of adherence to the agenda, you do it at YOUR expense, not ours.

In case nobody told you before, you are actually supposed to listen to the client when they say that "our environment doesn't necessarily fit the industry standard model." That doesn't mean that your solutions should be steering us back to said model (we're unique by necessity, not by whim) and actually exercise that fucking grey matter (for which we are paying some extortionate per diem) and FIND A FUCKING SOLUTION THAT FITS!!

Oh yeah, and when someone says "it would really be helpful if you could give us examples of how an organization implemented similar suggestions in a production environment" that you actually have examples.

Otherwise, what the fuck are we paying you for? You've been sniffing around offices racking up billable hours but you haven't. fucking. accomplished. one. god. damned. thing.

My cat could be a better consultant than you and she sleeps 18 hours a day. In that quaint army parlance, you people couldn't organize a blowjob at a cocksucker's convention.

I loathe you all.

Hugs & Kisses,

-Mossy Stone