Lessons in Goaltending
Anyone who knows the great Canadian sport knows that there's usually one poor bastard out there on the ice who gets the lion's share of the madness when a game goes completely to shit.
Allow me to introduce The Goalie.
In this installment, we will show you how it is possible to turn yourself from God to Goat in just a few easy steps. You can apply these lessons any time you are on the ice. Those of you wishing a more metaphorical experience can search for the hidden meanings in these steps and apply them to your daily lives.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin.
- Be sure to join a league where disorganization seems to be the norm
- Get assigned to a team of individual players who have never skated together before. (After all, we don't want any of that nasty "teamwork stuff" happening)
- Make sure your team has a couple of 18-19 year old hotshots who hog the puck and lose focus quickly
- Make sure that your team has absolutely no defencemen.
- On game day, arrive nice and early so you can change and then stew as you realize how few players will be out for this game.
- Make sure you're up against a team with at least 2 ringers
- As a bonus, the opposing team should have at least two players you know. Extra points if one of them plays with you on another night of the week in a different league. Bonus points could also be awarded if you're up against someone who knows where all your gaps are.
- Your players should lose most of the faceoffs in the first period, forcing you to make a couple of big saves early.
- Coach them to play badly in their end so that you have little chance on the goals that do get through
- It's very important to spend the second period making sure that any rebounds you give up go right to the opposing player's stick, setting up some nice goals.
- Make at least one token effort on stopping a breakaway. Don't worry: you'll have plenty of opportunity to choose just the right one.
- Try to pace yourself so that you're out of gas by the end of the second period.
- When changing ends, offer the opposing goalie the chance to get some work by switching sides. It's not very sportsmanlike to let your opposition get bored.
- Keep laughing when your offer is politely declined.
- Extra points awarded for making uplifting comments like "Alright, team! It's 7-0...we've got them right where they want us!"
- Keep pushing out those big rebounds in the third period to give the other team a chance to pad their lead.
- Remind the ref when they come to scoop the puck out of your net, again, if the score is more than 8-2 that the other team is indeed winning. If the margin is 6 goals or greater, laugh politely at ref when he says, "buddy, you're seeing more rubber than my ex-wife when she goes to cash her alimony."
- Feign interest when your team finally scores late in the third
- Don't bother trying to play position...you'll only get tired.
- When the opposing team gets another free shot in the third, check the clock. If the score is really lopsided and there's less than 20 seconds in the game, just stand aside and let it go in.
Good Luck!
(Just once in my life, I'd like to find myself on a team that actually has a chance to win. Is that too much to ask?)
11 comments:
"Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin."
Okay, now I've got Sergie's guitar riff running through my head. My head'd noddin' and I'm singing "It doesn't really maaaaaaaaaaatter" through my nose. Hmmm still not nasally enough.
One more thought: the scariest part is, that you pay for this right and get to continue all summer long!!
*kisses* You'll be fine, hunny. Just remember, you're out there to have fun.
I played girls field hockey in elementary school, and there was a team of losers. Literally they teachers set it up that way on purpose, so that we'd get knocked out of the playoffs first and everyone else could be rid of us. That was my team all 3 years.
My only reason for playing was so I could bash the popular bitches in the ankles with attempt at rendering them unable to continue the game, and not have anyone believe I did it on purpose.
As bad as it seems, at least you can actually play the game.
Just think, it could be lacrosse and you could be wearing so much less padding while getting your ass handed to you an a platter.
My rec team is looking for a goalie for a league that starts on a thursday(15th or 16th, can't remember, too lazy to lok it up). I know it is a long drive but it is only once a week. What do ya say?
Goalies have to pay in canada? u guys are bass ackwards.
Not all goalies, Larry. Some leagues want them to pay and some don't. Moss is, unfortunately, paying for this pleasure now. And to think, he could be home with me romping around in the bedroom instead.
(Note: I almost said, "...romping around in the bedroom for free" but realized that opens a whole can of worms about how men pay in one way or another and realized I don't want to go there today.)
LMAO@Penny!
Larry, because I signed up in these two leagues as an individual player, I had to pay. If I had been on an existing team I would have played for free.
Just make the drive. I swear it is not that long, what, 12 hours or so. You only waste 1 day a week driving. You can play for free.
Good footnote there Penny I would have made a comment. But, as with your post about ants and beating Digi to the punch, you are also one step ahead of me.
Okay. At least, one step ahead of me.
LOL Larry - your last comment left the door wide open for many, many somewhat inappropriate comments (which are my forte, really), but as I don't know you *that* well, I'll shut up.
As for hockey, if it makes Mossy happy, then that's all that matters. I'll just consider myself a puck-bunny instead of a hockey widow.
"puck" bunny huh? Don't censor your comment because of me. I am the Rodney Dangerfield of my group of friends. I get no respect, so, when people stop having their laughs that is when I get worried.
It could be worse. I could be a goalie.
Whassa matter, Larry...no puck bunnies in St. Louis?
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